Reflections on my Birthday celebrations

While reading the book I am enjoying so much (Robinson Crusoe, by Daniel Defoe) I came across one quote that sparked my interest in writing this reflection. Stuck on an island, alone and dejected, with mixed feelings and separated from loved ones, he saw a footprint which supposedly gave him a lot of thoughts about his wellbeing. Thus he writes, "Today we love what tomorrow we hate; today we seek what tomorrow we shun; today we desire what tomorrow we fear; nay, even tremble at the apprehensions of." This I feel, summarises my birthday for this year. Come March 17th. I'm always driven by the idea of self evaluation from the previous to the current and I want to be honest, I always question, "Where I am today, is it where I actually wanted to be and being where I am now, am I happy being there?"

This year however, is a different one. I am away from the people who love me and those that I love and to make matters worse, some feel otherwise and I'm on the verge of an irreparable loss. I'm celebrating my day in the midst of chaos and confusion, in which even I, the one living the life, am confused. Self inflicted?, maybe or maybe not. The gap, like Robinson Crusoe, is felt to the core I can confess but sometimes, it's the small decisions we make in small cases that will lead to something dire and great. 

This year, I will be celebrating in confusion without knowing whether to go front of backwards. To answer the questions I raised above, I figured out that I am not actually happy nor fulfilled where I am. I was better off where I was before, than where I am now. But I stand in gratitude for all the highs and the lows, they shape me to be who I am and make better decisions. There is only one wish for this birthday of mine...stability. that's what I need now. To know that this is where I belong and this is my space and that way, I'll build what's left of me. Sometimes, I have seen my life as a sinking ship, I don't know those who will sink with me or mend the broken aspects of me so that we float together or they'll jump the ship and allow the process to happen. All the same, I'm grateful.

Happy birthday to myself 

Cheers to many more.

Mutsawashe 

09/03/24